Dinobot Island Part 1

Powerglide and Bumblebee are heading to some strange energy readings, and I swear to cthulhu Bumblebee is sleeping with Optimus at this point. Seems like a kind of bermuda triangle type deal. Bumblebee gets caught by a Teradactyl, and Powerglide shoots the dino, but it drops Bee. He falls to the island, and Powerglide starts to fix his jetpack. The planet looks just like Earth That Was, circa 12,000,000 BC. They get accosted by a T-Rex and beat cheeks.

Back at HQ, there’s a dinobot and Blaster talks like he’s in a minstrel show. Grimlok talks like he’s in a dino-minstrel show. Optimus’ verdict: Very impressive. The dinobots go crazy, shit blows up.

Break.

DINOBOTS TRAIN IN AUTOBOT HEADQUARTERS. DINOBOTS TRANSFORM AND END CHAOS. DINOBOTS NOT WANT TO MAKE MESS, OPTIMUS.

RAVAGE SEE AUTOBOTS AND RETURN IN SOUNDWAVE BODY. OPTIMUS TELL GRIMLOK AND HE UNDERSTAND THINGS SAID. WHOOPEE! RATCHET OPTIMISTIC ABOUT DINOBOTS! ME AM TOO.

ME AM TYPE CAPITALS TO MAKE SELF IMPORTANT.

MEGATRON BAD MAN! HIM WANT USE LASERBEAK INVESTIAGTE ISLAND.

ME GRIMLOK LOVE DINOBOT ISLAND. ROOM TO STUMBLE! FEEL LIKE HOME TO ME, GRIMLOK.

SPIKE AM SILLY MEAT-THING, ME WANT MAKE FOOD BUT ME DON’T.

SLUDGE AND SNARL LIKE!! THIS GOOD. POWERGLIDE NEED SHUT STUPID MOUTH BEFORE KICK IT. SPIKE WONDER AWAY FROM GROUP, STUPID MEATBAG. NOW DINOSAUR BIRD ATTACK HIM AND HE SCREAM LIKE SILLY CHILD. HIM LOOK SO TASTY. MUST NOT THINK OF IT.

HAM AND EGGS JOKE FALL FLAT WITH ME. WRITERS GET LAZY, BUT SCHEDULE TOO TIGHT TO FIX.

SPIKE ALMOST GET EATEN BY OTHER DINO WITH LONG NECK, I KICK ASS AT HIM.

BREAK.

The dinosaurs won’t leave and I think Chris Latta dubbed a scream that came from Spike. ME, GRIMLOK SAVE HIM. Shut up.

Spike makes fun the fact that the Dinobots cannot read. That’s not nice, Spike. Illiteracy is a real problem.

Megatron and his cronies get a bead on the island, and sees some sweet energy crystals there. Starscream shows trepediation but Megatron shuts him up and the Decepticons set out for the island.

Dinobot target practice goes well. SWOOP! DO FLYING STUFF. and he does. SLAG! DO FIRE STUFF! and he does. Fire stuff pretty awesome. SNARL! DO TAIL STUFF. Tail stuff kinda lame. Getting better, but still not more better enough. Megatron shows up, and he’s agog over the energy potential of the place. Starscream is still worried, but, you know. Shut up, Starscream.

Volcanoes start to erupt, and Starscream thinks lighting is a bad omen.

DINOS TRAIN SOME MORE. MUCH GOODER! Decepticons not belong here. GRIMLOK AND DINOBOTS GET RID OF DECEPTICONS.

Spike and Bumblebee, who won’t shut the hell up, run into some cavemen and wolly mammoths coming out of a timewap. It reminds me of the old DINOSAURS ATTACK card set from Topps, which I have a complete series of because it’s awesome.

Back on dino island, the Dinobots are attacking the Decepticons, but Megatron won’t stop collecting the energon crystals. This will bite him in the ass. Megatron blows some dinosaurs the hell up (!) and gets them to attack the Dinobots, trying to force them into a conveniently located tar pit. It works, for once, and the Dinobots are not in a good way. Megatron gloats.

END OF PART ONE.

Here’s as far as Phil got on this episode before he started to cry:

The Autobots are in a state park, looks like Washington. There’s some torn-up trees, and the park ranger is confused. The insecticons probably did it. Just saying.

Some giant figments are eating the trees. I think Starscream may be humping a tree and I don’t know how to deal with that. Oh god Bumblebee is back SHUT UP they’re getting away what? now it’s time for a commercial break.

For a proper synopsis see The Transformers Wiki entry for this episode.

Japanese title: “Defeat Devastar!” and ep 42 of their series

The Constructicons are drilling something, for some reason, and the rock is unstable. They have to stop, and alarms go off like it’s gonna blow the hell up, but it doesn’t. Longhaul loads stuff into Mixmaster, and they fix the cracks. Megatron calls them dicks, and set Mixmaster to check Scavenger’s geological blahblah units. Starscream and Megatron do exposition, there’s something in the earth and they need it and stuff. It’s a giant drill episode, folks.

Up on the surface, Megatron and Starscream walk through a hologram of a rock wall. There’s a space bridge to Cybertron, which is their escape route. Why they don’t just take it now is anybody’s guess.

The Autobots are transformed and racing or something, in the mud. Do they ever drive on actual roads? The Autobots come upon Mixmaster and Scavenger, and follow them. They can’t find them, because of the holo rock wall.

Soundwave’s Laserbeak shows up back inside HQ, and rats out the Autobots up top. Megatron sends out the Descructicons as Devastator to beat some ass. Again, why not just do this every time? Devastator beats the everyloving hell out of Mirage, Jazz, and several other Autobots.

Back in the drillstation, Starscream screams. Back topside, Devastator laughs as the ‘Bots shoot at him. The Autobots do a little rope-a-dope and Devastator goes down like an AT-AT Imperial Walker. Yeah, I went there.

At the Ark, a guy in a wheelchair has these discs that might be able to put Devastator under Autobot control. They put together a raiding party and arrive under cover of afternoon.

Ironhide freezes the waterfall, which messes up the Decepticons drill. The Destructicons transform and head up to see what is going on. Cleverly situated Autobots place the discs on each one of the Constructicons, and get the hell out. Starscream quips, and it’s break.

Break.

Starscream wants to bust a cap in the stealth Autobots, and Megatron says no. He also won’t explain his plan to Starscream, or us, but we take it anyway WHY WON’T YOU LET US IN, MEGATRON? You don’t have to love this baby inside me but it’s going to love you.

Starscream quips, they follow the ‘Bots and squeeze off a few rounds at the Autobots. Then Megatron sends a few guys to the main Autobot forces and unleashes Devastator again. The Autobot guys active their control of Devastator, and Starscream shits himself. The handicapable fellow is ecstatic. Optimus doesn’t want to go in for the kill, because he’s a smug asshole.

Back inside, Megatron and Starscream do more exposition. It’s 15 minutes into the episode! Megatron calls Starscream stupid. He reveals he’s got a remote disruptor, which will stop the Autobot control of Devastator. Oh snap! Megatron is drilling into the earth’s core come hell or high-water, and fuck you if you don’t like it. God I hope it works. SET ME FREE, MEGATRON.

In the Ark, the Autobots play with their new toys, the Destructicons. I type that wrong EVERY TIME. The Ark cracks a bit, and Prime figures out that they’ve started drilling again. They go to investigate, bringing Devastator.

There is a fixin’ to be a Robot Fight but no, Megatron pulls his chicanery and nothing happens except maybe the wheelchair guy is gonna be crushed by rocks.

Break.

The drill is nearing the earth’s core, and things are getting all shaky. Blah blah circuits blah blah logic chips, and now Devastator is out of control. Hell yes. He tosses Starscream like a doll into the drill controls, and Starscream, in a rare moment of clarity shouts at Megatron “YOU AND YOUR STUPID PLANS, EVERYTHING IS OUT OF CONTROL” Drop that zero and get yourself a hero! Decepticons head to the space bridge, but it’s broken, and they’re doomed. Now they have to stop the drill, and the Autobots and Decepticons work together to stop it. Blah blah control blah blah jargon. Starscream screams and get smacked down by Devastator. Megatron soliloquizes. “Two minutes until the earth dies”. Destructicons get all sentimental and transform again to stop the drill. TWO SECONDS, ONE SECOND PLEASE LET THIS MADNESS END and the drill stops so I can’t go to bed ever now.

Megatron and the ‘Cons take off. Devastator takes off, too. Chip is sad. He misses Devastator. Me too. The future is built on dreams.

Moral of the story: I don’t know what is true anymore.

Soundwave has scanned something. Apparently Megatron and Starscream at jive buddies again. They’ve found some Colonium Crystals, and Soundwave keeps reminding me of Auto-Tuned News. The crystals be mad dangerous, yo. Starscream, like us, has never heard of these crystals, and Megatron calls him stupid. Scream wants to trick Optimus into leading the Autobots into the path of these crystals, thus blowing them the hell up.

Autobots see the lights, and Casey Casem/Cliffjumper

Starscream calls him Floptimus Prime, and that’s great. We’ve got us a Robot Fight at 12 o’clock. It’s 3 on 1, but Prime calls them bitches and says less than 4 isn’t worth his time. Snap! Laserbeak shows up and knocks Optimus down. Megatron doesn’t want Prime hurt, just photos from every angle. Probably for porn. Megatron is a bit of a freak like that. See: Starscream.

Back at Decepticons temp. HQ, they make a clone of Optimus using the scans that Laserbeak took. They send the new Optimus clone out to lead the Autobots, while the real one sits at the bottom of a chasm. Whatever you do, don’t finish him off, Megatron, you git. The real Optimus awakes, but it’s too late.

At the Ark Fake Prime keeps getting the Autobots names confused. Ironhide and Spike are worried, and Prime is acting like an Alzheimer’s patient. We’ve got an alarm, and the scanner shows the other Optimus. Fake Prime tells the Autobots to shoot his ass down, but before they do–

Break.

Rachet isn’t so sure, so they don’t shoot. Spike lays it down, and nobody is sure which is the impostor. They ask Teletraan, and it says “gimmie a minute.” It says they’re identical. Spike isn’t happy about this. They decides to do a reality show-type series of tests. First up: Shooting at rocks. Hooray! They both nail it. Then they have a race. Who will win?! Here’s a hint: The Canadian People. Spike admits the tests were stupid.

Megaton is glad, and he’s got some interfearing thingys inside the whatsit. I don’t know. Autobots Transform, move 50 yards, and Transform again at the “energy crevice”. Starscream gloats via telescreen, and Megatron tells him to shut up. Megatron also says he’s planning on sacrificing a Decepticon to the fake Prime so the Autobots will believe that he’s legit. He wants it to be Starscream. Shocker! Scream runs, and Megatron has Soundwave send Laserbeak after him. Mini-Robot Fight. Spike and what may be Cliffjumper figure out where the new Decepticons base is because of Starscream’s whining. Chris Latta is not what you’d call a subtle actor, but man he gets the job done.

Megatron explains to Starscream that he meant they should make a CLONE of Starscream and sacrifice that. Screamy calms down and goes along with it.

Break.

Spike is inside new DeceptiHQ and Megatron taunts him. Those Clone Helmets look stupid. He makes Spike watch as they toy with his pals. This is a pretty awesome Robot Fight, as well. Megatron thinks he is a genius, Starscream wants to kill Prime. Clone Starscream challanges Clone Prime to a “one-on-one fight to the finish”. Someone call Vince McMahon, I think the world is ready for a Robot On A Pole match.

The Clones Robot Fight and Chris Latta screams like the champion that he is. Clone Prime finally takes him out. The Autobots now believe he’s the real deal. Clone Prime: “Follow me, Autobots. Into The Crevice” They follow him. Before they drop into the crevice and die, Windcharger pops up and explains what’s up. Clone Prime wants to get the Crystals and let Megatron kill Spike. They blast Clone Prime, and Megatron is sad. He decides to abandon yet another secret hideout. The Once and Future Prime leads his Autobots after the ‘Cons, who drop Spike and make their getaway. Nobody minds too much. Optimus stumbles over a “I am who I am” joke and we’re out.

morals of the story: Be yourself! It’s like high school musical but with robots and none of the stupid musical.

The japanese titles of this episodes are so much more poetic. “The Shadow of the Nightbird” has an almost classical quality to it.

Wheeljack’s got some new floor sensors, which I’m sure will be important later. Ssh. Doctor Fijuyama the Famous Scientist is on the Teletraan. He’s invented something he won’t tell them about over the screen, but he does say it’s an awesome new robot. Not as awesome as the Autobots, but pretty awesome.

At the unveiling, Rachet is being an asshole to the new robot, and wonders where it’s extension cord is. The doctor unveils his new Female Robot Ninja. My god he’s a genius. Guy in the audience WINS: “Uh, why build a robot ninja, Doctor? Won’t it be dangerous?” Good question! Then Rumble and Frenzy show up and Optimus deprives us of a Robot Fight by not wanting to endanger the humans. The humans are gone, and Katie bar the door, we’ve got ourselves a Robot Fight. Optimus puts Megatron into some kind of Robot Full Nelson, but turns his attentions to an injured Wheeljack, and gets blasted. Starscream and Thundercracker show up to steal the robot ninja, which has boobs for some reason. Oh, right. Japan.

Back at Decepticons new, temporary, HQ in the side of a mountain, Megatron soliloquizes. Insectoid and Soundwave mess with the Female Robot Ninja’s brains, and it does karate at Starscream. It’s new life goal: Find and destroy the Autobots.

Back with the Doc, Optimus promises to get the robot back. Jazz does likewise. Mirage whines. Autobots Transform and roll back to the Ark.

The robot ninja (god, I love typing that) easily circumvents the security measures at Autobot HQ, then eavesdrops of Spike’s conversation. Oooh, rude! Then she kicks the new security plates in the balls by just walking on the ceiling. Why not put them on the ceiling, too? Jesus, they’re robots. Within seconds, the ninja has sabotaged Teletraan and beaten the hell out of the wounded Mirage.

Break.

The robot ninja escapes, and Optimus says we’re lucky it didn’t do any permanent damage. WE’LL JUST SEE, PRIME. Autobots Transform and roll out after her. Optimus shoots his stun gun and seemingly gets her, but she was “playing robotpossum” (actual quote) and Cliffjumper is gonna cap her, but Prime is all like “naw dude we promised we wouldn’t” and Cliffjumper is sad. She manages to subdue Optimus and steal his gun, then she disappears, leaving her sword.

Back with Megatron & Co. Megatron is gloating. Starscream is playing the jealous queen. Megatron just called her “hot” and I may have an erection but I’m not sure and I’m too afraid to check.

Ratchet gets Teletraan back online, and informs Optimus that FemRoboNinja stole some chip that can suck power from every power station in the world. Why the hell would they have that? Authbots Transform move about 50 yards and Transform again. Optimus wants her taken alive, since they promised, and she makes a fool out of him.

Break.

She runs off, and Autobots give chase. It’s all the ones that can’t fly, so they have trouble navigating the rocks. Apparently FemRoboNinja’s feet are magnets. To non-magnetic rock. Okay. They catch up, and Prime threatens her, and pops a cap in that robo-ass. Mirage goes invisible. Optimus tells Cliffjumper to not forget to raise his hand before he speaks. Jazz uses the power of music.

Megatron taunts Starscream by saying he’s going to replace Starscream with the FemRoboNinja. Starscream punches Megatron and starts to cry. ‘Cons restrain him. The Autobots create a mesh for blablah and trap the ninja. Why didn’t they just do that in the first place? Megatron tells the Decepticons to ready for battle.

Back with the Autobots, and there’s a Robot Fight and it’s a doozy. Bombshell steals the [blank], Megatron uses his Anti-Matter Blaster which I guess is something he has now, and Optimus calls him a fiend. Starscream escapes and goes to get his man back from that hussy. This robot fight is AWESOME. May have erection again. Starscream laserblasts FemRoboNinja and gets the rest of the Decepticons on his ass for it. Optimus gloats.

The Doc thanks Optimus, and deprograms the FemRoboNinja and locks her up. FOREVER. OR IS SHE?! Probably.

The moral of the story: Females are evil, always. Ninjas are awesome, Starscream just needs Megatron to love him.

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When I came back, Bumblebee was having carnal relations with my girlfriend. He was crying. She wasn’t.

Taking a break for Season 2 Episode 7.

Wheeljack has created “the wheeljack instant immobilizer”. He creates a hologram of Lazerbeak, and Ironhide blows the room up thinking it was the real thing. Nobody wants to hurt Ironhide’s feelings, so they forgive him.

Bumblebee is playing video games in an arcade, and a girl is totally hitting on him. It’s kind of gross. Her name is Carly. Spike and Bee shoot back to the Ark so they bring back some stuff for Wheeljack. They get pulled over by a cop, and Ravage shows up to bitch-slap Bee and leave some kind of tracer or something on Bumblebee. The Cop gives him a warning, and they leave.

Back at the Ark, Wheeljack gets ready to show off the immobilizer again. The Decepticons are watching the whole thing through the camera Ravage put on Bumblebee. Megatron says he’s gonna steal it. Prime tells them to move the tests outside.

Ironhide blasts at the Bumblebee-obsessed girl, who followed them to the tests. He apoligizes, and she whines, and by the time Ironhide is back, the Decepticons have taken control of the situation.

Break.

Megaturkey says to fire, and they do, and we got a Robot Fight, but there’s a force field, so nothing happens. Starscream yells at Megatron, for once, and goes up to get past the force field. Autobots Transform and there’s a for-real Robot Fight, but we miss most of it because it’s SO IMPORTANT that we see Spike and his stupid girlfriend Carly talk and almost get crushed by a tree, which Ironhide blocks.

Carly thinks it’s all her fault, and it is, and Megatron gets the immobilizer. Starscream can’t steer, and Megatron gives less than a shit. The ‘Cons get all wet, and take off after yelling at them.

The Autobots Transform and roll out back to HQ. Carly wants to come, and she does. Ironhide is too old for his shit, and retires. Prime misses him already. Carly tries to talk him out of it, but really just wants a tour of HQ. Manipulative shrew. Carly steals something off the shelf while on the tour.

Later, Carly takes off and Bumblebee won’t shut up. He fills my nightmares. Autobots Transform and roll to beat down Megatron, while Carly sneaks into Megatron’s underwater HQ. Now my roommate is talking and I can’t focus on the TV, and I just want to go home. Am I home? Oh god. Laserbeak catches her with the help of Soundwave.

Break.

Teletraan 1 picks up Laserbeak’s kidnapping of Carly, but really, she broke into his house, so she deserves whatever she gets. The other Autobots guilt-trip Ironhide into going in after her. Megatron righty assumes the Autobots are coming to rescue Carly. Ironhide runs into Bumblebee, and the two of them + Spike head to the ‘Cons HQ.

This part may be a hallucination. Sondwave tries to drown Carly, Megatron tells him to quit screwing around. Ironhide saves her. They rendezvous above-ground, Carly and Spike take off in Bumblebee, and Ironhide gets Immobilized by the stolen Immobray. Megatron taunts them from a conveniently-placed cliff, and Starscream fucks everything up by yelling and shooting. ROBOT FIGHT. Carly Has A Plan and uses Brawn to tunnel under the cliff. Jazz blasts some of that rock and roll music that he likes, which disrupts the Decepticons motor controls (why don’t they just do that EVERY TIME THEY FIGHT). Carly rewires the immobray. Rumble tries to Immobray Optimus, but the ray unfreezes the other Autobots. Megatron is sad.

Carly talks some jibber-jabber about positron flows or whatever, and she and Spike go for a “chocolate soda” whatever the hell that is.

Moral of the story: Megatron is sad inside and that’s why he is so mean, JESUS Starscream why are you like this, and Teletoon wants me dead.

This episode has two writers, which does not bode well.

Generic Scientists are working on something Very Dangerous. Starscream and another ‘Con bust in, and they’re about to steal some power cells. Megatron calls Starscream a putz and grabs the cells. Apparently if one of the cells explodes, it can “set off a chain reaction that will destroy the earth”. Starscream blows up the lab, but manages not to kill the scientists. Megatron blah blah book blah.

Cliffjumper, who was apparently looking for the cells, finds them over the area Mirage was patrolling yesterday. He thinks Mirage found them but didn’t say. Mirage is sad.

Starscream, putz that he is, turns on the cells and they go all wonky. Megatron is about to blast him, but the Autobots show up on a conveniently located cliff overlooking the Decepticon cell location, and load ‘a mighty we got us a Robot Fight. Cliffjumper will not get off Mirage’s case. Starscream blasts Cliffjumper, but gets tricked with a “look behind you” and smacked down. Insecticons show up, and fight. Mirage tears of Skywarp’s Decepticon badge, and now it’s on him. Shrapnel, living up to his name, accidentally shoots the cells and they start to blow the hell up.

Break.

Megatron uses nitrogen to freeze the cells. Mirage is seriously hurt. Autobots Transform and roll out, shouting at Megatron as they leave. Megatron’s pithy one-liner leaves a little to be desired.

Back at the Ark, Cliffjumper won’t shut up about Mirage being a traitor. Why won’t Cliffjumper shut up?

Cliffjumper is about to snipe Mirage, but Starscream shows up behind him. He gets blasted, and I’m confused as hell. Megatron and Starscream shoot at Mirage, and the Insecticons show up. Megatron and Starscream argue over who missed Mirage worse, and the Insecticons shoot down Mirage, then they turn him into their slave using a cerebro-shell, and have him shoot at the Decepticons. I can’t stop crying.

Break.

Optimus has had enough of Cliffjumper’s shit, and says so. Cliffjumper still won’t shut up. Prime says SHUT UP CLIFFJUMPER and Autobots Transform and roll out to kick some Megatron ass.

Bombshell gets captured by Megatron and Starscream, who thinks that Mirage was working for the ‘Cons when he grabbed the cells. Megatron talks some sense into the Insecticon and they join forces. Bombshell is about to shoot Mirage, and Megatron stops him, because Megatron Has A Plan. “Hear me out.”

The Autobots show up at the site, and Mirage is there. CJ wants to shoot him in the robot face, but Prime stays his hand. Mirage explains himself, and says he turned the Insecticons and blah blah polygraph and blah blah Autobots Transform.

My skin hurts. Cliffjumper knew it was a trap, but nobody cares. Shut up, Cliffjumper. He beats down Mirage, Rachet saves his ass, and finds the cerebro-shell, and Mirage cries like a stupid little girl and I hate him.

Prime is making a run for the energy cells, and tells the other ‘Bots to cover for him. He does, and they do, and somehow it works. Prime confronts Megatron, and Megatron blows the place the hell up. Megatron is sad.

Prime explains to the scientists what happened, and they’re glad it didn’t blow up the earth and free me from this prison. Cliffjumper and Mirage wrestle and hug. Not kidding.

Moral of the story: I don’t know anymore.